Burlexplanations: Lego My Foot!

Minnie Ryder’s story is built upon the solid blocks of plastic with which imaginations run wild and the spare bits and pieces are sure to be strewn everywhere. 

Burlexplanations…they happen all the time and every once in a great while we decide to share an experience.  I’m still waiting on the back story to someone gluing their cheeks together BUTT until then we’ll go with this cautionary tale of lost legos being found in an unfortunate manner.

Some of my burlesque routines involve tap dancing. One of my favorite places to practice fancy footwork is in the kitchen because I can squeeze in a few minutes while serving up meals to hungry hyper kids. This is one of those tappy occasions where I don’t have time to put on my shoes but want to work on combinations while my toddler daughter is enjoying a lunch and “mom show” in her throne of a high chair.

Photo: Courtney Brooks Photography

I start off by warming up with basic movements. Super! Done! I’ve got just a few more minutes so begin working on a section of routine which involves a couple of triple time steps. Just a note beforehand, sometimes I put way too much emphasis on ball of my foot when I’m doing ball changes  You see where this is going, yes? Ok! I stomped the hell out of my ball change and felt a searing jolt of pain travel through my foot all the way up to my neck.  Dropping the floor, clasping my right foot and moaning in agony I look up at my toddler who is staring at me quizzically.  As the pain slowly receded I looked around for the culprit of my demise. There’s a small lego ship nearby with a red 4 hole piece next to my rearend. I look at my foot and right under the ball and in the soft sole area there are two tiny holes.

 

Photo by: my hubs in between chuckling fits

 

It looks like a tiny vampire bit my foot. All of this happens in a matter of seconds but pain seems to stretch the span of time. The hurt has been replaced with rage as I can think of two kiddos who could have left legos on the floor.  One of which was playing with his at the table before breakfast just a few hours earlier. Limping into the living room where video games are a’playing I’m about to release my wrath when I see the boys playing and getting along on the couch. This is a precious moment, to have the eldest and middle kid getting along so  I growl and mutter half-heartedly about their damn legos and hop back into the kitchen where my daughter has decided since the entertainment has ended she must end her meal and get out of the high chair. “DOWN! MOMMY! DOWN!”  So life continues, I had two weeks to heel (get it? heel?) before the show and my timesteps, drawbershays, and stomps go off without a hitch.

The moral of the story is to make sure your practice area is clear before practicing and maybe wear shoes too. And don’t buy legos for your kids. You know how glitter is the herpes of burlesque?  Legos are the herpes of parenthood…or at least this phase of it.

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Behind Closed Doors with Angel Burlesque…Dressing Room Banter

Cora is feeling a tad nostalgic today, boys and girls.  So pull up a chair and let’s reminisce about the good ol’ days we fondly remember as the best fucking Nerdgasm, ever.

Everyone thinks burlesque is the perfect cross of glamour, class and sexy.  Performers nonchalantly powder our perfect noses in a dressing room that’s quiet, relaxing and covered in satin.  Roses and champagne all around…right?  Oh dear. What epic bullshit.  Would you, dear friends, like a peak into the real dressing room during a show?  Of course you do, you happy little voyeurs. But I’m not giving you visuals this time. Think we are funny on stage?  You have no idea how much funnier we are in the dressing room.  Let me set the scene, and then I will share some of the quotes from the evening.  Imagine: concrete walls, sweltering heat, costume heaps, the sweet smell of spray glue and cold cheese fries.  Throw in about 20 frazzled performers and a few cute kittens trying to wrangle both performers and panties and just listen:

Hey guys, I think I glued my butt together.

I found my missing pastie…it was stuck to the other one.

Can someone sew a snap on my cooter?

You can’t bobby pin a wig to the bald side of your head.

I’m going to sew some fabric to my crotch.  We’ll see how it turns out.

After that routine, you smell like my grandpa.

I stabbed my nipple with a needle.  Don’t ask.

Did you see the makeup print her face left on the floor?

She showed us her inch worm in the dressing room.

Don’t thank me, thank Adderall!

I like to invite cute guys from OK cupid to the show.  That way I don’t have to try to awkwardly talk to them.  I’m not very good at dating…

I dont think my cape will fit over my ‘Cher in Las Vegas’ hair…Math is hard!
-said while trying to undo a clasp on a cape. 

My nipple are angry.

I’m pretty sure you got silly string up my nose.  Response: I was flirting.

I have a nipple hickey.

Shaving cream in the holes.  All the holes.
 
Someone kiss my tit.  I need to cover this bruise.

Can I touch your balls? 

Your balls look great! 

He left pieces of Ralph all over the stage.

No cooter punch!

She has a dick!  I always wanted a dick. Can I touch it?

An audience member stole my pussy!  That’s the second time! 

I accidentally dumped a bottle of water in an audience member’s lap. 

Thanks for stopping by and listening to an old lady jibber jabber, kids. Don’t forget to grab your tickets for the next show, I promise it’s ridiculous.

♡Cora

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Burlexplanations: Bunny Buxom and Case of “Stripper Knee”

Hey, there pretty people!  I’m Cora Noire, and for some odd reason Minnie Ryder is trusting me to write this installment of BURLEXPLANATIONS!  Muahahaha!

Once upon a time, in a faraway land called New York, lived an intelligent, proactive and amazing burlesque performer that Cora has a huge woman crush on. Her name is Bunny Buxom.    Bunny was kind enough to share some burlexplanations with us, because oozing confident sexiness can be dangerous, kids.

Bunny says:

Bunny Buxom and the Case of “Stripper Knee”

Whenever I do a gogo set, I always end up with a case of stripper knee.  “Stripper Knee” being bruised and/or scraped knees from grinding your hips while on your knees, crawling, or dropping to your knees while dancing. I absolutely love gogoing and doing floorwork, but Stripper knee does bother me for a couple days after, however it’s *always* worth the fun I had.

Earlier this week I gogoed for a burlesque show promoting the new Penthouse Forum that Jo Weldon wrote the cover article about striptease for, and I had an absolute blast, but when I got home, my knees looked like this, and are only bruising more:

…. Still completely worth it!

Also! Whenever I do floorwork in an act I get “Floorwork Foot” (I totally just coined that!) characterized by scrapes on the top of your foot via slinking across the stage and dragging your feet of course! This year at New York Burlesque Festival I had an epic case of floorwork foot when I got offstage to find a half inch long, rouge glass bead (that had been left onstage from a previous act) embedded in the top of my foot… So that was intense! Again, TOTALLY worth it.

Cora says:

The next time you are in New York…make a point to go see her!
Bunny has begun producing through Rabbit Hole Productions, creating shows for amazing causes such as sexual awareness and even a show fighting street harassment.  Not that you need a cause to catch one of Bunny’s shows…she’s ferocious, glamorous and DAT ASS. Sigh.

We are very excited to hear Bunny will be competing with said ass for Best Debut at the Burlesque Hall of Fame Weekend coming in June! Be sure to give her a shout out on her page. Want more Bunny?  Follow the links below to get your fix.

Visit Bunny’s website:
http://www.bunnybuxom.com

Find Bunny on Facebook

Have a story you would like to share?
Email angelburlesque@gmail.com and/or message Minnie Ryder and Cora Noire!

Thanks again and stay fabulous!

Burlexplanations: Clean Your Room or Else!

We give our all for burlesque, don’t we? Blood, glittery sweat, and tears. It’s not often we can say “real” blood is involved. Fake blood? Yes, sometimes alot of fake blood but that’s another story. This macabre burlexplanation is brought to you by messiness, knives and penetration. Told by the fairest of them all, Lola LaVacious.

If anyone really knows me well knows I have the most uncanny talent of sustaining random injuries in unique ways. This particular incident was no exception..except it included a very sharp object. With all of my projects for designing and creating pasties and other burly effluvia I’ve been lucky at not getting any cuts or scrapes the last few years. I have been victim to cheap glitter paper cuts under the nailbed…ripped skin from too strong glue, splinters the size of logs in my hand right before hitting the stage…you get the point.
Sharp things like scissors, rotary cutters, and seam rippers have been my tools I could count on for their work and I always took great care of these tools as to prevent any mishap. They are always the first thing to be carefully put away in their respected places…until a new guy joined the pack.

I bought a handy dandy mini soldering tool set for soldering jewelry, woodburning, stencil cutting and especially the long blade for foam board. I had created these “fan tacos” for my newest piece for it debut on the lovely Athenaeum stage with some of my favorite dancers in the city. Gorgeous silk veils streaming around the stage while I performed barefoot was a beautiful idea…until The Incident.

Night before the show I was cleaning up my office space strewn with boxes of jewelry and feathers and foamboard while spending some time with a good pal of mine. While mindlessly chattering away and cleaning IT happened. Approximately two inches below the medial ankle bone or the inside part of the ankle and cool steelyness entered. It didn’t quite hurt per se but something was not right. I looked down to see the long blade of the soldering kit which was still attached to the main handle of the tool sticking into my foot. I paused taking in the situation and realize I would need to remove it gently…no problemo until it started bleeding. My dear friend snapped into action asking for the first aid kit once I told them what occurred. (They will always be a part of my dream zombie apocalypse team for their non squidgy reaction and calmness)

I simply asked for a paper towel and continue cleaning beginning with the proper storage of the blasted tool so nobody else could get hurt.
My fella came home not even a few mins after the incident and sighed deeply in resignation upon hearing the news. A few butterfly bandages later I thought I was good to go…until I couldnt put weight on the foot the next morning…the morning of the performance! How does one go onstage limping with such delicate fans? I was able to seek professional help and got my ankle stabilized with kinesiotape…hot pink kinesiotape…a sharp contract to the black white and silvers in my costuming. I was thinking of the lame humiliation I woul endure in explaining why I had so much tape to these pro dancers that perform with traumatic injuries sustained by being amazing dancers. Quick fix or the nite black crew sox with the toes and heels cut out to give it the “arty” edge. I performed my routine that evening with no one the wiser except maybe questioning my costume choices.

Note to self: always clean your room.

Our dear Lola is on the cutting edge of many things, but hopefully this will be the last time involving sharp objects!
Learn more about the super talented, multi-tasking, RAW hostess with the mostest extraordinaire!

Find Lola @ Angel Burlesque

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Thanks for reading and stay fabulous, friends!

-Minnie

Burlexplanations: It’s not easy being Green

Welcome back to our next installment of Burlexplanations!
This week’s edition is brought to you by Angel Burlesque’s own Frankie Spanxx and the everlasting color of “ogre” green.

For Miss Honey B’s Bourbon Boylesque in April, there was a princess number. I decided along with Minnie to go a little outside the traditional, expected princess roles. She was princess Leia and I was Fiona the ogre. I thought long and hard about the easiest, cheapest way to become an ogre fast as I was in other numbers in the show. I decided upon a green body suit and make up just for face and neck. Luckily, I had a friend that had recently been green in a production and suggested that I not use Halloween make up and Belle Breeze has been in theater a while and was a cheer leader for a layer of cold cream under the makeup.

Dress rehearsal came and I practiced, mostly worrying about time. I was green, performed, showered and went to work the next day. Show night came and I was worried about not being green enough. We had a huge crowd and I wanted the joke to go over well. Plus, I got ready fast and had time to spare so I layered it on. The performance went well, Fiona was a hit. I took a couple layers off before curtain call, left the theater, then went straight home and showered… twice. I washed my face before work the next day… three times. I only had a couple people actually ask if I was ok but many curious looks. I was a little “green in the gills”. My face, neck and knuckles were a lovely hint of green for a week after that show. But there was a Burlexplanation for that and it was totally worth it!

Talk about going the extra mile! Frankie always does a great job putting herself out there and making the audience chuckle with her off-the-wall humor and excessive prop usage. Find out more about this witty Angel below!

Find Frankie @ Angel Burlesque 

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Thanks for reading and stay fabulous, friends!

-Minnie

 

 

Burlexplanations: Curse of the Curious Spots!

Welcome back for another thrilling tale of the mysterious happenings in the life of burlesque performers!

This week’s edition is brought to you by Las Vegas favorite Blanche DeBris and gauging the number of years in burly career by pastie variants.

Blanche joined the our cast of  Nuvo Nominated Indy’s Best Charity Event: Miss Honey B’s Bourbon Boylesque to benefit Indiana Equality Action and Marriage Equality earlier this year. She graced the stage with her routine hit “Sound of Music in 6 Minutes”.  We asked this hilarious lady if she had any memorable burlexplanations, and indeed she had a curious one!

I kept finding weird stains on my sheets, that wouldn’t come out with ordinary washing…until I finally figured out they were boob prints from when I didn’t quite get ALL the pastie glue off my hooters. I imprinted on the sheets cause I sleep on my stomach.

When was this discovery during your career in burlesque?

Discovery of glue on sheets happened probably a year or so into my burly career…because I didn’t start using glue adhesive til after I’d been wearing pasties a couple of years. I can mark my burly career by how I affix my pasties!! I started out using spirit gum, then carpet tape, then medical adhesive (used for ostomy bags!) and now I use a silicon-based adhesive. The glue on the sheets was from when I started using that medical adhesive…and never got all of it off even with the special adhesive remover. And the glue stains remain on those sheets today! I scraped and washed the spots, applied mineral oil to try and get it off but I think it stained the sheets worse.

 

You know, Miss Mina Murray taught a great class at BurlyCon which dealt with cleaning and caring for costumes and stain removal was part of her class… now that I think about it, I bet she might have a trick for getting glue off sheets and clothes!

So there you have it friends! Glue is everywhere. It sticks to your skin, adds “character” to your clothing, and lurks on bedsheets to caress the weary burly performers skin as visions of sparkly costumes dance in their head.

Want to learn more about the stunning, charming, laugh and a half, Blanche DeBris? Check out the links below!

https://www.facebook.com/missblanchedebris

https://twitter.com/blanchedebris

Have a story you would like to share? Email angelburlesque@gmail.com and/or message Minnie Ryder and Cora Noire!

Thanks again and stay fabulous!

-Minnie Ryder

 

Burlexplanations: Death by Nails

Welcome Back friends!

This week’s Burlexplanation is brought to you by Angel Burlesque’s Mona S’Amor and an extremely long acrylic nail set

No burlesque performers were harmed during the production of this duet

As part of a recent routine with Sylvestia Stiletto, I would be killing her at the end of it with my thumbnail. I had noticed girls at work wearing “stiletto nails” and decided these lengthy killer nails would be perfect for the end of the routine.  As I’m a big planner and love organization I decided to get my nails done a couple weeks early to get my money’s worth and practice functioning in daily life with them. As soon as they were on my hands and I was walking out the salon door, I realized I had made a huge mistake. I felt like I had tree branches growing off my thumb and couldn’t stop staring at them, neither could anyone else. So I started tucking my thumbs inside my fist. As the show grew nearer I was getting used to wearing them and functioning on a daily basis with these tree branch nails of terror, except for typing, I never mastered that.  

Morning of the show I was at an event with my mom and she knew I had planned on killing someone with my nails but didn’t remember “How” I was going to do it. She was under the impression I would be poking Sylvestia’s eye out and voiced her concern: “Now Mona, I know you plan on pretend killing someone with these nails but I want you to be really careful; because I’m afraid you might really poke her eyes out”  Well first, I had to set her straight on how I was killing my victim and then reassure her that no one would be losing an eye. This also happened to be the same show where the morning following the show I discovered minefield of bruises, speckles of fake blood stained on my skin, and patches of leftover spray adhesive glue. But that’s for another time.

I think out of this experience I learned I could actually function in daily life with killer stiletto nails if I wanted to.

Angels Mona S’Amor and Sylvestia Stiletto in their duet “Kill of the Night” at Night of the Terrifying Tease!

Did Sylvestia get scratched by your death nails at any point?

No, she did not. Although she had fake blood running down her body by the end of the routine…or was it?

This was a fabulous story for those of us who haven’t crossed into the realm of lengthy acrylic nails of any sort! These ghoulish gals certainly killed it with their drop-dead sexy duet which debuted at Angel Burlesque’s Night of the Terrifying Tease.  Want to learn more about these lovely Angels? Click on their names below!

Mona S’Amor
Sylvestia Stiletto

Join us next time with Blanche DeBris and the mysterious spots!

Till then, have a great week and stay fabulous!

~Minnie Ryder

 

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Burlexplanation: Once Upon Feathers

Welcome back! This week’s burlexplanation we are pleased to have guest contributor MaMarie LaVeaux of Crème de les Femmes!

MaMarie LaVeau

A well known favorite around town with a wide variety of extraordinary costuming incorporated into her routines, MaMarie knows quite a bit about what to expect when it comes to the after-effects of performing burlesque.

Well let’s see…a LOT of mine come from the fact that I often have to perform -again- the following day after a show (Shakespeare, children’s theater, etc. etc.) So! I suppose my biggest snafu came when I had to explain why oh why I had teeny tiny white feather remnants on my arms and neck the day following a show. Not only had I worn a white feather boa only a handful of hours before, but I’d eyelash glued groups of white feathers to my cleavage, face, and arms for my Troma film tribute to Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead!

It’s pretty hard to weird out theater people, but man did I ever accomplish it that day, ha! 

Thankfully, the immediate people I worked alongside the next day were able to trade me a couple program shifts so that I did not have to “bear my feathers” in short-sleeved costumes! I just told them the truth and they found it hysterical. BIGGEST lesson I took from it was that you ALWAYS want your choice of remover with you in abundance when doing a messy skit. So for me, that means I always travel with baby oil, dudes. Never forget the stuff.

Sounds like one entertaining learning experience right there from one amazing performer!  Thank you MaMarie, for your contribution to Burlexplanation and best wishes and luck at future performances, sans misplaced feathers! Want to learn more about MaMarie and Creme de les Femmes? Click the links below!

Crème de les Femmes: http://www.cremedelesfemmes.com
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/mamarie.laveaux

Join us next time with Mona S’Amor as she nails a Burlexplanation with a story which even had her mother concerned!

Have a story you would like to share? Email angelburlesque@gmail.com and/or message Minnie Ryder and Cora Noire!

Thanks again and stay fabulous!

-Minnie Ryder

Burlexplanation: What’s Yours?

This weeks Burlexplanation brought to you by:

Minnie Ryder and spray adhesive craft glue

A few days after a recent show my curious three year old discovered remnants of Mommy’s “Dance Party” night on the side of my calf. After a quick glance at the large black circular shape of gunk with lines criss-crossing through it my ever so supportive hubby states “There must be a burlexplanation for this one”. Hence, a new name was born for the mishaps, trials, and/or leftovers relative to practicing the broadly creative art form of burlesque.

This is one of the more common residual effects of a performance. While dressing, I discovered an unseemly rip in my black fishnets, most likely caused by my sharp-as-a-knife big toenail I was too busy to clip. The hole was temporarily repaired with a hefty amount of spray adhesive craft glue. Lesson learned: clip my toenails. I know, rookie mistake, right? However I believe as we make mistakes we can educate and bring all performers closer together on our journey in the burlesque realm in hopes of perfecting our craft. There are certain to be plenty of burlexplanation-driven cautionary tales to share along the way.

Next time on Burlexplanation: 

The charming and alarming MaMarie LaVeaux of Creme de les Femmes regales a feathery tale which will have your eyes glued to the screen!

Have a story you would like to share with us? Let us know!
Email angelburlesque@gmail.com or
message Cora Noire and/or Minnie Ryder!