Everyone thinks burlesque is the perfect cross of glamour, class and sexy. Performers nonchalantly powder our perfect noses in a dressing room that’s quiet, relaxing and covered in satin. Roses and champagne all around…right? Oh dear. What epic bullshit. Would you, dear friends, like a peak into the real dressing room during a show? Of course you do, you happy little voyeurs. But I’m not giving you visuals this time. Think we are funny on stage? You have no idea how much funnier we are in the dressing room. Let me set the scene, and then I will share some of the quotes from the evening. Imagine: concrete walls, sweltering heat, costume heaps, the sweet smell of spray glue and cold cheese fries. Throw in about 20 frazzled performers and a few cute kittens trying to wrangle both performers and panties and just listen:
I found my missing pastie…it was stuck to the other one.
Can someone sew a snap on my cooter?
You can’t bobby pin a wig to the bald side of your head.
I’m going to sew some fabric to my crotch. We’ll see how it turns out.
After that routine, you smell like my grandpa.
I stabbed my nipple with a needle. Don’t ask.
Did you see the makeup print her face left on the floor?
She showed us her inch worm in the dressing room.
Don’t thank me, thank Adderall!
I like to invite cute guys from OK cupid to the show. That way I don’t have to try to awkwardly talk to them. I’m not very good at dating…
I dont think my cape will fit over my ‘Cher in Las Vegas’ hair…Math is hard!
-said while trying to undo a clasp on a cape.
My nipple are angry.
I’m pretty sure you got silly string up my nose. Response: I was flirting.
Shaving cream in the holes. All the holes.
Someone kiss my tit. I need to cover this bruise.
Can I touch your balls?
Your balls look great!
He left pieces of Ralph all over the stage.
No cooter punch!
She has a dick! I always wanted a dick. Can I touch it?
An audience member stole my pussy! That’s the second time!
I accidentally dumped a bottle of water in an audience member’s lap.
Thanks for stopping by and listening to an old lady jibber jabber, kids. Don’t forget to grab your tickets for the next show, I promise it’s ridiculous.
Special Thanks to G. Watson Images for Photos!